Monday, May 31, 2010

How Harry Potter (and Twilight) Should Have Ended

The world had only half left Harry's mouth when Cedric Diggory popped in between Harry and Voldemort. There was a cry of "CEDWARD" from a group of girls who, out of sheer giddyness, conjured up a mass of apples and red ribbons. Cedric hushed them with a wave of his hand and spoke.
"You all believed me dead! But the Dark Lord did not cast the killing curse on me! NO! He, with his new tongue, slipped and shouted 'Avada KaDiva' which turned me into what I am! A SPARKLY VAMPIRE!"
A number of the fangirls fainted as Cedward stepped into a patch of light shining in through the broken wall and his skin began to sparkle. Voldemort's mouth twitched.
"You claim that I did this to you," Voldemort calmly asked.
Harry stood, dumbfounded.
"Yes! And I have never felt better! In fact, I have found a fabulous bride whose clumsiness rival's that of Tonks's! She's so plain that she's beautiful! She smells like strawberries! She even attracts werewolves like Tonks did! But my Bella is far more fabulous!"
"Very well," Voldemort sighed. "But the Dark Lord does not tolerate glittery-vampires-who-lived! AVADA KADAVRA!"
Harry couldn't say that he was sad to see him go this time around. But the same couldn't be said of the fangirls. That moment would later be known as the fangirl-cry heard 'round the world. They brandished their wands and began slinging Glitterskin hexes and Ambereye charms at the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters but Voldemort's army was far superior. Fangirls were dropping dead left and right while the Death Eaters were fine.
"Got any twos," Harry asked Neville.
"Nope. Go fish."
"Sure is sad about that Cedric fellow. Avada Kadiva, that's got to be a fate worse than death," Ginny said.
"He might even be worse than Lockheart," Hermione retorted. "At least Lockheart didn't go on and on about some muggle he loved."
From a far corner of the great hall, the last fangirl fell.
"Oh, they're gone" Harry asked, startled. "Well. Back to the battle then. Thanks for taking care of the pest problem, Voldy."
Voldemort glared.
"They're rabid, they are," said Ron. "Just like Lavender."
Hermione surpressed a giggle with a glare.
"AVADA KADAVRA" and "EXPELIARMUS" Voldemort and Harry cried, together. But Voldemort's wand flew out of his hand and Harry's Seeker skills enabled him to catch it with ease. Voldemort dropped dead.
And with that, Harry and Ginny had kids and named them after the people Harry loved most. Ron and Hermione were somehow in love and had kids too. Neville started teaching Herbology and Avada Kadiva became the fourth unforgivable curse.
The end.

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